Need some advice

[!!*10der*!!]

Ladies,

I'm with this man that I could speak on for hours. We've been together for 9 months (but have known each other for at least 12 years). He's all man, he's my King, truly my soulmate. Of course there is an issue or I wouldn't be posting on this forum.

I have lied to him about "friends" of mine that are really ex's. 2 separate men, I haven't been sexual with them for 9 years at least, I could have been, easily, but after breaking up I never wanted that, just wanted to be friendly.

I lied because I was still having conversations with them so I didn't want my King to know I had also slept with them once upon a time and I knew these guys were still interested. I eventually told him the truth because his instincts told him I was lying anyway. Thankfully, he forgave me and we continued the relationship. Of course I had to leave those guys alone.

Here's the problem, I have another ex who is a great guy, no ulterior motives. For the sake of honesty, I told my dude we talked on the phone. Now he wants to leave. WTF???

[izayoi]

Ladies,

I'm with this man that I could speak on for hours. We've been together for 9 months (but have known each other for at least 12 years). He's all man, he's my King, truly my soulmate. Of course there is an issue or I wouldn't be posting on this forum.

I have lied to him about "friends" of mine that are really ex's. 2 separate men, I haven't been sexual with them for 9 years at least, I could have been, easily, but after breaking up I never wanted that, just wanted to be friendly.

I lied because I was still having conversations with them so I didn't want my King to know I had also slept with them once upon a time and I knew these guys were still interested. I eventually told him the truth because his instincts told him I was lying anyway. Thankfully, he forgave me and we continued the relationship. Of course I had to leave those guys alone.

Here's the problem, I have another ex who is a great guy, no ulterior motives. For the sake of honesty, I told my dude we talked on the phone. Now he wants to leave. WTF???


Hi 10der!
This is a tough situation and I really feel you on this one.
I have very congenial relationships with others I've dated in the past and keeping in touch with them even on occasion did cause some friction in my current relationship in the beginning.

The problem is because you lied in the beginning the trust is gone. You have to work with that first---and that probably means cutting off calls with other men for the time being. Men are extremely territorial, and the good ones are deeply hurt by what they may consider emotional infidelity even though you didn't "cheat".

Its going to take time and a lot of honesty and some compromise on your part. He may make you chose between your past and your future with him.


Best to you sis.

[ladyscorpio]

Hi 10der!
This is a tough situation and I really feel you on this one.
I have very congenial relationships with others I've dated in the past and keeping in touch with them even on occasion did cause some friction in my current relationship in the beginning.

The problem is because you lied in the beginning the trust is gone. You have to work with that first---and that probably means cutting off calls with other men for the time being. Men are extremely territorial, and the good ones are deeply hurt by what they may consider emotional infidelity even though you didn't "cheat".

Its going to take time and a lot of honesty and some compromise on your part. He may make you chose between your past and your future with him.


Best to you sis.

This so true....:smh: and it seems that no matter what you do to try and explain that there is no relationship other than friends even with a male that you HAVENT had sex with its like hitting a brick wall.

I stopped talking to a platonic friend because of mine. :smh: It really was not easy.
What also makes it more difficult is that most of the people I associate with are males.

Men are emotional even when they will tell you otherwise.

[izayoi]

This so true....:smh: and it seems that no matter what you do to try and explain that there is no relationship other than friends even with a male that you HAVENT had sex with its like hitting a brick wall.

I stopped talking to a platonic friend because of mine. :smh: It really was not easy.
What also makes it more difficult is that most of the people I associate with are males.

Men are emotional even when they will tell you otherwise.

:yes::yes::yes:

They stay playing the hard role and what looks like anger or annoyance is most often hurt unexpressed imo.

*sigh*...if only they didnt have such nice penises, life would be so much simpler :smh::lol:... But not really because being around too many women will drive you to homocide!

[!!*10der*!!]

:yes::yes::yes:

They stay playing the hard role and what looks like anger or annoyance is most often hurt unexpressed imo.

*sigh*...if only they didnt have such nice penises, life would be so much simpler :smh::lol:... But not really because being around too many women will drive you to homocide!

:lol::lol:

I feel so hurt and upset. I'm going to leave all my ex's alone. Continuing friendships with them is not worth losing the one I love. I just hope it isn't too late. :dunno:

[ladyscorpio]

:yes::yes::yes:

They stay playing the hard role and what looks like anger or annoyance is most often hurt unexpressed imo.

*sigh*...if only they didnt have such nice penises, life would be so much simpler :smh::lol:... But not really because being around too many women will drive you to homocide!

Girl you know that is the truth

:lol::lol:

I feel so hurt and upset. I'm going to leave all my ex's alone. Continuing friendships with them is not worth losing the one I love. I just hope it isn't too late. :dunno:

very true sis. And I also hope that it isn't too late but if he loves you he will be willing to give you a chance,just gonna be some extra effort.

[sevenatenine]

well I've never understood why people hold on to ex whatevers. what's done is done and there is no need to linger around.
I don't think they're very healthy relationships to maintain. People rarely change.
And I wouldn't say it's all about emotional infidelity. Thats only just one part.
Alot of it is about respect for your relationship and your mate, loyalty, principals, and peace of mind. And I say about 10% of the men u'll meet in your life time are trust worthy enough to not have an ulterior motive. There's not alot of men around that just like to sit and talk to women (especially one that's an ex) just to talk.

Relationships take alot of energy and time. Who wants to dedicate all of that time and energy and emotion into building something new and trying to move forward with a person only to have them go backwards or veer off road.
That would seems like a slap in the face. And from a honest and hard working persons perspective, that time and energy could have went into something much more lucrative and worth while.

[!!*10der*!!]

well I've never understood why people hold on to ex whatevers. what's done is done and there is no need to linger around.
I don't think they're very healthy relationships to maintain. People rarely change.
And I wouldn't say it's all about emotional infidelity. Thats only just one part.
Alot of it is about respect for your relationship and your mate, loyalty, principals, and peace of mind. And I say about 10% of the men u'll meet in your life time are trust worthy enough to not have an ulterior motive. There's not alot of men around that just like to sit and talk to women (especially one that's an ex) just to talk.

Relationships take alot of energy and time. Who wants to dedicate all of that time and energy and emotion into building something new and trying to move forward with a person only to have them go backwards or veer off road.
That would seems like a slap in the face. And from a honest and hard working persons perspective, that time and energy could have went into something much more lucrative and worth while.

That's real. Thanks for the solid advice. :yes:

[Cleopatra_J]

:lol::lol:

I feel so hurt and upset. I'm going to leave all my ex's alone. Continuing friendships with them is not worth losing the one I love. I just hope it isn't too late. :dunno:

You just have to explain that to him, and hope that he understands ... I hope that it isnt too late for you :)

well I've never understood why people hold on to ex whatevers. what's done is done and there is no need to linger around.
I don't think they're very healthy relationships to maintain. People rarely change.
And I wouldn't say it's all about emotional infidelity. Thats only just one part.
Alot of it is about respect for your relationship and your mate, loyalty, principals, and peace of mind. And I say about 10% of the men u'll meet in your life time are trust worthy enough to not have an ulterior motive. There's not alot of men around that just like to sit and talk to women (especially one that's an ex) just to talk.

Relationships take alot of energy and time. Who wants to dedicate all of that time and energy and emotion into building something new and trying to move forward with a person only to have them go backwards or veer off road.
That would seems like a slap in the face. And from a honest and hard working persons perspective, that time and energy could have went into something much more lucrative and worth while.

Keeping in contact with an ex doesn't always mean you're hoping for them to change, and you still want to be with them. Sometimes they are really a nice person. Someone you communicate well with, but you just realize they ain't shit in a relationship. Some men make better friends than lovers....

[OnyxFemme]

baby girl why didnt you tell him about this friend at the same time? Is it because you want to stay in touch w/ this ex?
The reason I ask is because now he is like ok "lie to me once shame on you" "Lie to me twice shame on me"
Your relationship is not over, but you have a decision to make.
And like Izayoi said:
Men are extremely territorial, and the good ones are deeply hurt by what they may consider emotional infidelity even though you didn't "cheat".
Straight truth:yes:

[sevenatenine]

You just have to explain that to him, and hope that he understands ... I hope that it isnt too late for you :)



Keeping in contact with an ex doesn't always mean you're hoping for them to change, and you still want to be with them. Sometimes they are really a nice person. Someone you communicate well with, but you just realize they ain't shit in a relationship. Some men make better friends than lovers....


I didn't mean that u'd be hoping for an ex to change, in order to be with them again. I meant that for what ever reason u broke up with that person more than not. they'll still have that flaw. And that i see no reason to keep around what made being with that person so stressful in the first place.

I can't agree with the ex lovers can be friends idea I think that's a really flawed view. I think it's almost like being haunted by a ghost. Old feelings and thoughts that just add an unnecessary weight and emotions. I think it's impossible to not have some type of feelings left over and that u'd be trying to fool yourself into believing that your ex is just a freind. Sometimes it even seems a bit desperate and crowded.

One day i read a quote off the back of some cheesy hallmark card. I think it'll sum up what im trying to say.

"love is giving someone the power to hurt u, but trusting them not to"

It's like trying to get a loan. If someone has bad credit history or a load of debt they haven't paid off yet and they don't have a clean slate fresh and new ready to take on more responsiblity. You're not gonna give them any of your money, are you? you'd like to know that your feelings and private thoughts are in good hands and that they will not be betrayed or somehow abused or mishandled.