Deciding to not have children

[izayoi]

This is a rarely discussed topic for women of color it seems, but is there anybody that KNOWS or has met anyone that knows she is just not the "mommy" type. For the record I love kids, but I have no intention of having a big family at all. Even as a little girl I loved babies, but knew I did not EVER want to have more than one and that one might be adopted because I do believe there are too many black babies in the system that need good homes.


Sometimes if a woman decides not to have kids she is often called selfish, but I think that's unjust. Everybody is different. I have a girlfriend who is adamant that she and her husband never have kids because she simply does not like children. She is otherwise a very kind, grounded, and thoughtful person.

Thoughts? Moms (and dads) you are welcome to respond as you have more insight on both sides of the coin.

[Msdee]

I think having kids is a personal choice for a couple. And if you feel as if kids are not for you it's nothing wrong with it. I myself am a parent of two and will not have anymore children my husband and I decide that two was our cut off. I had a tubal ligation which some would say was at a early age(26),now almost to my 29th birthday I still feel I made the right choice.

[izayoi]

Thanks for your thoughts Ms.Dee! Two is a lot of responsibility. I recently went to a 1 year olds birthday party (she is super cute). Her mom is one of my best pals and she just bought a new house. I asked my friend where her and her husband go to relax after the kids settle down and she was like :confused: what do you mean we NEVER relax. I noticed many of their friends had 2 children but very few expressed the desire to have more.

I agree its a deeply personal choice that requires one to be honest about ones strengths and weaknesses.

I know me- I have a SHORT attention span and seriously don't think I could keep up with more than one baby. I can barely keep up with Mr. Izzy and he is grown. :o

[IntelligentDyme]

I actually know of an African American couple who have decided to not have children. She has and still receives comments, usually from other women with regard to her decision. I admire that they have made a conscious choice and do not act ashamed of it, as it is nothing to be ashamed of. I think that being a parent is the greatest responsibility that one can ever take on, so if you feel that it is truly something that you won't be able to put your all into, don't do it. Too many people are having children for all of the wrong reasons, birthing children into messed up situations, or to fill a void.

I think that women tend to fall for the hype of this time-line and outline of what society says your life should be. This is true for marriage too, people think if you are not married by a certain age or if you decide to not be married at all, that you have failed or are deficient in some area.

I personally do not plan to have a big family at all. I come from a ginormous family and I know that it takes a lot of sacrifice and responsibility. Some times there just aren't enough hours in a day for yourself, let alone five or six other relationships and people you have to nurture.

[izayoi]

Great points ID! I think there's still a tremendous amount of pressure to fit a certain mold.As you said most of the pressure often comes from other women.:rolleyes: However, I notice some of these women also complain about their kids every 5 seconds so their "advice" is spurious at best.

I read an article once where a couple stated that they loved their 3 kids but the kids ruined and consumed their lives (all 3 kids are autistic). I thought that was really sad, because it's not the kids fault- the adults CHOSE to keep having children so why blame the kids for the impact they have on your life? If you are honest with yourself and know the time, energy, and patience it takes to care for one disabled child is off the chart, why have 2 more children then blame the kids ?:confused:

[IntelligentDyme]

Thanks Izzy,

Yep, these are also the same women who complain about their husbands and still ask you "when are you getting married". Or they say you are too focused on your career, this is why is it's equally important to pay attention to both the messenger and the message..

Wow, three children with autism? I just could not imagine it..I do not think it's ever fair to blame children, especially those with special needs, for having the responsibility of taking care of them...There are seven of us, and my pops always says to me, "I love you, but I would never have done that knowing what I know now"... With that many children, they do become your life whether you want them to or not...and it doesn't go away, even when they are adults, there is always one that needs something. Parenting slows down, but it never stops.

[izayoi]

... this is why is it's equally important to pay attention to both the messenger and the message..
Parenting slows down, but it never stops.

I love what you said here. Its funny when I read people say "18 years" as if they stop being your family after that. :rolleyes:

Its a lifetime commitment- like a marriage is supposed to be. Tread lightly. :cool:

[Yours Truly]

I am definitely a woman who has a "no having kids" option for me. I am not doing the pregnancy thing, its not for me, and I don't see it being for me anytime soon. If I do have kids, I will adopt, there are millions of kids that need a home.

I have been like this for years, there is nothing wrong with me, I seem to be a rare breed of woman, who don't want to have kids, and a lot of men don't like that.

[izayoi]

Hi Yours T!

I do wonder how much this does complicate finding a mate for some women (or men)
.
I have been very fortunate. The men I've dated haven't been averse to having no children or at the max one. I'm also very pro-adoption like you. Being with someone who believes in adoption is very important to me.
I think it's only fair to be honest in the beginning, before it gets serious.

I have 100% respect for any man or woman that knows he/she wants a larger family of biological children. It's just one of those things it's almost impossible to compromise about so best be honest from the jump.

[Yours Truly]

Izzy!! Hey girly(Oh I'm Mzmillion from SOL)...lol.

I have a man and at first we had serious issues with my want and belief because he is very into having children and it did cause us to split. He has come back and he is all for being with me with this option. Apparantely life without me was not the way to go for him and I do feel bad but I let him go to make his decision, to start a family with someone else, and he didn't like that so he has made his choice.

I think the option of finding someone who shares this belief will be hard. Especially for when it comes to men who don't want kids, because lets face it, majority of women want to experience pregnancy and the join of bringing a child into the world at some point in there life. I think I am fortunate and blessed to have someone who wants to be with me regardless of my belief and is ok with adoption as the option for us. This takes a strong man.

[izayoi]

Mizz! :D Its nice to see your font again Mizz Truly.

Yes he is a strong man, and you are a strong woman to not be afraid to let him go so that he could decide what is best for him. There is little in life that comes without some sacrifice, but this way he made an informed decision and can't harbor resentment that he did something for YOU.

I wish yall lots of wubs! :D

[sevenatenine]

I often debate with myself on this subject.

http://www.bartoncourt.org/images/science/manthinking.jpg

Do i really want to bring something so fragile and impressionable into this wacky world.

i don't mind adoption

but at the same time i'd like to see what type of person would spring forth from my loins.

[izayoi]

I often debate with myself on this subject.

http://www.bartoncourt.org/images/science/manthinking.jpg

Do i really want to bring something so fragile and impressionable into this wacky world.

i don't mind adoption

but at the same time i'd like to see what type of person would spring forth from my loins.


Seven I think that's natural. I wonder myself and it's probably the only reason I entertain having one of my own. I was my father's only child and I know that was very special to him to see that I had his eyes or my grandmother's hair...but I'm not so in love with the idea that if I didn't have my own and adopted I would be disappointed.

[ladyscorpio]

I cannot deal with people who think that you are less of a woman or man for that matter because you may have made the choice to not procreate.

I think that people allow others to influence them too much. If you get into any relationship then you need to decide ahead of time what your priorities are.
If you KNOW yourself and you figure that child rearing is not your forte then do what is right for you. In the end the child and the relationship suffers if there is going to be resentment for either having them or feeling like you had to have them because it is what your partner wanted.

[izayoi]

Hey sis- I was hoping you would be here. The air is so fresh and clean right now over here! Hopefully it stays that way ;)

I agree with you.Yielding to peer pressure is usually not a good thing.

Children should be well and truly wanted, not settled for.

[ladyscorpio]

Hey sis- I was hoping you would be here. The air is so fresh and clean right now over here! Hopefully it stays that way ;)

I agree with you.Yielding to peer pressure is usually not a good thing.

Children should be well and truly wanted, not settled for.

Well I go where the positive vibes are yes :) you know how I do. I am glad to see that you are participating.:)

[Cleopatra_J]

I think its takes a stronger person to make the decision to not have children vs. someone just having children for the sake of having children.

I told myself I'm only going to have the number of children I can afford to have. At this time, its none. I also would like to adopt, so if that means having one naturally & one adopted or whatever route I go... I think so many children go forgotten in America. People are too busy saving children from other countries they forget about their own. I do know that when I do decide to have kids there will be more than one in the household.

[izayoi]

I think its takes a stronger person to make the decision to not have children vs. someone just having children for the sake of having children.

I told myself I'm only going to have the number of children I can afford to have. At this time, its none. I also would like to adopt, so if that means having one naturally & one adopted or whatever route I go... I think so many children go forgotten in America. People are too busy saving children from other countries they forget about their own. I do know that when I do decide to have kids there will be more than one in the household.

Cleo that's so honest and so practical. I wish more people had that kind of forethought. That dude with 21 kids- he can forget every having more than 5 cents to his name at that rate unless he hits the mega mega mega million lotto. If he gets 25 cents half of that is probably going to back child support. :smh:

[Lovely N]

A woman not wanting children is so unnatural to me. I will never understand it. Not saying that women should just go out and get pregnant by any random guy, but that is like the most natural thing for a woman to do if she is able.

[izayoi]

A woman not wanting children is so unnatural to me. I will never understand it. Not saying that women should just go out and get pregnant by any random guy, but that is like the most natural thing for a woman to do if she is able.

I can respect that LovelyN. I don't know if feeling differently is more a function of our environment or just some people weren't born with the desire to nurture kids. :confused:

[Entrepronegro]

A woman not wanting children is so unnatural to me. I will never understand it. Not saying that women should just go out and get pregnant by any random guy, but that is like the most natural thing for a woman to do if she is able.

I agree with what you said.

[bigirl]

Better to consciously decide not to have one than to have an "accident" or have one unprepared or raise it in a single parent home

[izayoi]

Better to consciously decide not to have one than to have an "accident" or have one unprepared or raise it in a single parent home

Well I think you make a really salient point about conciousness in decision making. I can't say I was planned (that would be a lie) but it was a choice to have and be a parent to me as far as I know.

I think you bring up an excellent point too about being prepared.
To the parents, are you ever really prepared? Is that even possible?